I…… have no excuses, really, other than to say I’ve been in a bad way for a couple years. This really is just a filler post and if you’re not interested in a bulleted overview of my last few years of drama, go ahead and click away. I hope to have much more entertaining posts in store in the future.
I never really had many regular readers on this blog (if you are/were one of them you get all the virtual hugs for sticking around despite how depression-spirally my posts got followed by this huge lag) but I feel bad having left things the way I did.
I do have 16 mostly complete drafts that I never posted for… basically the reasons I covered back in my Agoraphobia post.
They’re also just all…. very dark. Full of trigger warnings and really, really traumatic, dramatic, and just plain sad content that I couldn’t bring myself to share.
Admittedly, this probably meant that I held onto a lot of things a lot longer than I would have otherwise but can’t change things now. We can only move forward, and that’s what I intend to do.
So, I may rework and post some of those stories as we go, but in general- I want to move forward and try to be more positive. I’m still here for “finding beauty in negative spaces” and sharing my uncanny ability to fall into awkward situations (and down stairs, into holes, etc) but I’m in a GREAT place compared to where I was, probably along the same lines as where I was when I started this blog, and started social dancing all those years ago.
So I will recap major points, and then jump into what brings me back:
-The Unicorn did some really crappy things to me, and involved the out of state “ex” gf he never really broke things off with.
-My youngest brother did some crappy things to me which led to me needing to move out of my parents’ house for my own safety and wellbeing ASAP
-Unicorn dumped me with less than a week before I was scheduled to fly out, and sign papers on one of the two places I’d finally found and put deposits down on
-Did not move to San Francisco. Defaulted on 2 deposits.
-Somehow became VERY CLOSE to The Unicorn’s ex.
-Went to Pride for the first time. I’m not “out” but I’m also no longer 100% closeted. Validated my own sexuality and shut down the internal monologue of “it doesn’t matter” that comes with “passing”.
-Moved in with a dance acquaintance a month or two later. My “room” was a doorless den off the front room but rent was CHEAP.
-Took a trip to Minnesota for a dance exchange and to hang out with a childhood friend, (and Unicorn’s ex), made new dance friends, and what was once a “closeness” with the Unicorns Ex turned into a very sweet crushey/snuggly/romancey thing.
-Back home got a promotion at work, bought an Annual Pass to Disneyland
-Abused a LOT of substances to avoid the fact that my roommate was a very needy person with poor boundaries and I am a person who needs a lot of alone time and my own space.
-Positively ruined 3 romantic relationships.
-Took up aerial silks
-Roommate has anger management issues (and others) that were kept under wraps early on. Had a fight with our neighbor that resulted in us receiving a cease and desist threatening eviction and itemizing every complaint against roommate&her temper the duration of her tenancy.
-Lived in constant fear of what roommate would do/say/cause & eviction because I didn’t have a lot of options.
-Managed to rekindle a previous romantic relationship
-Lease renewal notice came up, decided continuing to live next to problematic neighbors in a complex that had already threatened eviction was not a good plan.
-Finally got up the guts to tell roommate I didn’t think living together was a good idea.
-Guy I was dating was also looking for a place. Asked if wanted to look together. Then when options were found, backed out so he could open a dance studio out of his own space.
-Had a VERY DIFFICULT TIME finding a new place
-Called the suicide hotline for the first time in my life (I have a draft on the experience and might post it- it was a very helpful experience)
-A back up to my back ups, studio apartment in a 100+ year old building turned out to be in a beautiful neighborhood, near my best friend/goddaughters, bigger than expected, and all-inclusive utilities and my application was accepted JUST UNDER THE WIRE.
-Pretty consistent physical discomfort turned into pain as I was packing. Turned out I’d been injured for a long time and it was getting worse. Not allowed to lift more than 20 lbs at a time.
-Quit silks.
-I moved. Focused on getting healthy/pain-free, turning this space into a home, and prioritizing building/strengthening a real relationship.
-Neglected friendships, withdrew from just about everything, sank ever deeper into growing depression, and continued to succumb to eating disorder that flared back when things started going south with Unicorn.
-Was asked to DJ a Fusion event and played a KILLER set.
-The Guy I was dating turned out to be emotionally unavailable and withheld his feelings until after things came to an (unnecessarily dramatic and childish) end. But ummmmmm we’re rooming on the Blues Cruise in a month, so stay tuned for THAT debacle.
-For some reason, finally breaking things off with that guy I’d dated for over a year (while excruciatingly painful for a few weeks) left me with more relief than misery and seems to have marked the beginning of my rise from the mire of my own depression.
-Started reading instead of netflixing at night, listening to insightful podcasts instead of rewatching youtube videos while doing chores, and listening to music during workouts or while doing “nothing”.
-Started doing one “creative” thing a day.
-Started working a 12 step program for some of my more codependent tendencies
-Cut all substances for 3 months, stone cold sobriety. I stay away from binge drinking, now and mainly contain my use of cannabis to nights of rampant insomnia.
-Stopped tracking macros and only checking calories at end of day for more intuitive eating.
-Prioritized friends and family time and schedule 1-1 time with at least one person I care about at least every other week.
-Prioritized dance again and joined a “program” offered by a local studio to improve community and make vast improvements to ability and styling in hopes of making up for time lost by living far away from the dance scene and miring myself in toxic relationships and my own misery.
-I put a chorus and a blues progression (chords) to “Id” and have written my first song in close to 10 years. It’s coming along nicely and if it continues I intend to look for opportunities to share/perform it in a blues/dance setting. The experience has been really therapeutic.
And that’s where I’m at. I’m feeling good again and hope to be able to share some of that here.
If you’ve read all of this- sorry! It is just kind of a catchup filler post. HOWEVER I intend to begin a thread here under the working title of “Cult Chronicles” because that group I joined starts meeting this weekend and I’ve recently come into some, we’ll call it INTERESTING information about it and the people running it.
So stay tuned!
twisttais 