Begging for Thread

Stooped down and out  you’ve got me begging for thread to sew this hole up that you ripped in my head. -Banks

I’m in one of those rare low places where I can recognize that something is wrong, but I also have no way of getting myself out. I feel like I’m between several rocks and a hard place. I did not put myself here. I don’t like it. I’m about to lose my ish and all I’ve got is the reverberating refrain of “why?”

I realized this weekend that I haven’t been in a relationship in 3 years. The last official boyfriend I had was the abusive one and while I’ve dated and even got to the point where I seemed to be in a relationship it occurred to me that it never really got to that point and I’ve been single for over 3 years, now.

Which didn’t weird me out until I started talking to this guy who is crazy serious about being interested in me. He’s great. We like the same things, are from the same place, our families know each other… because his dad taught my history class in high school and I was on the swim team with his sister. We also were on opposite ends of a double date once in college. Suddenly he’s all over me and we have a date on Saturday because I like him and we’d work well together except for the whole thing is really weird and outside of rationally knowing we’d make a good couple, I feel nothing for him. So I’m worrying about being a terrible person for not outright shutting him down, but also worrying he might be the one for me, but also worrying that that’s settling because there’s a lot of things about him that make me say “nooooooo.” I’m also worrying because one of those things is that he looks like his dad and sister which is weird for me but feeling that way makes me feel shallow.

I am mentally climbing the walls with anxiety over all that already.

On the other hand I have this stupid crush on a man who  I see on a regular basis, who hugs me and tells me I look lovely and trips over his words as he flirts with me while turning the loveliest shade of pink in the cheeks. He also exasperates the crap out of me because one day his arm feels so right around my shoulders, and he makes me shiver singing in my ear and telling me I’m “trouble” in the dark of the Blues room and the next he’s using Kay as a barrier between us and won’t meet my eyes or even say hello to me.

Now besides that, he may have a long distance girlfriend which is game over as far as I’m concerned. I’ve been cheated on myself and had enough men swept out from under me that I would never do that to another woman. And of course there’s the everpresent ex girlfriend who attends all the same blues events as the Viking and me and follows him around like a lost puppy but doesn’t approach him.

That ex girlfriend has become the biggest rock about to crush me, anxiety wise, for several reasons.

First off, I knew it was going to be a problem because she runs in the same circles as the Viking. She’s everywhere. If anything happened with the Viking and myself it would be under her scrutiny as well as the scrutiny of the rest of the blues/swing scene. And for some reason being an inexperienced dancer makes me feel like I wouldn’t measure up to anyone’s expectations because they’re all great. And his ex was a good dancer, and his current-maybe-long-distance-gf teaches at a swing school, so she’s a good dancer too.  So there’s that.

Then there’s the fact that I thought the ex was walking around with a lost puppy look this whole time, and it’s been confirmed. A friend went on a blues-themed cruise and made her acquaintance and is just SO goddamned enthusiastic about her as a person that when she spilled the circumstances of her breakup with the Viking, I was told I should get out while I can.It was a normal breakup by all accounts. Not great, but definitely nothing that makes him a bad person.He said he wanted to work on himself and didn’t need to be in a relationship right now. Broke it off. Then started dating someone in Canada. She’s upset that he didn’t come right back to her (and on Friday I witnessed her flip off his car as it pulled away and say she was going to go off and stew) and is clearly not over the whole thing though it’s been over a year.

NOW. Here are the points that are eating me alive:

I have it confirmed. The ex is not over it and what’s worse, after this weekend it’s been demonstrated that she’s okay being really immature about not being over it in public. That spells out drama if anything went anywhere with the Viking.

In getting the story out of Brunhilda (what, it sounds like something you’d call a Viking ex, WHAT?) my friend spilled the beans that the Viking was flirting with one of HER friends and revealed that I have a crush on him as well. A SELECT amount of friends fall in the category of my friend’s friends and people the Viking spends excessive time with. If we were to draw a Venn Diagram it would something like this: Me, Kay, and a couple men who wouldn’t count because it was revealed that the crushing party was a “she” so THAT’S F___ING IT!!! Now Brunhilda doesn’t strike me as the sharpest tool in the shed, but she’s not completely daft and the MINUTE she puts things together it’s going to be ugly. This is now a ticking time bomb.

My friend likes Brunhilda. She cannot say enough good things about her. It’s making it really awkward to talk about him, now. So in my overly worried brain I feel replaced. I feel like MY friend has taken this partial stranger’s side over mine because they have a similar romantic history. That’s not how things are supposed to go. You’re supposed to be objective but supportive of your friend’s paramours. I feel like I can’t say anything about Brunhilda now, because she’s my friend’s friend. I can’t talk about the Viking because he dumped my friend’s friend.

To make matters worse, this weekend my friend pulled Brunhilda over to introduce her to each. Person. In. Our. Group. So now the clock on my time bomb has sped up AND I have to be cordial to someone I’ve been actively avoiding and could have continued avoiding had not formal introductions been made. NOW she comes over to our group to talk and each time she does my heart jumps out of its chest and I panic over whether I’m acting natural or not. I also feel really fake and terrible as a person when I’m trying to act normal around her. The thing I liked about the blues scene was that I didn’t have to fake my personality. Now I have to put on a face to deal with people. I have to be looking over my shoulder at all times making sure I’m not being too obvious with the Viking, or too talkative around the ex.  Worse, when Brunhilda’s around, the Viking avoids me/our group and outside of the fact that I have a crush on him, he’s funny and a good dancer and I enjoy talking and dancing with him. I wouldn’t have been friends with this girl otherwise, I was already his friend. Being friends with her is interfering with the friendship I was building. I feel like I had an absolute TON of choices made FOR me by other people and I don’t like it.

 

Outside of everything else my abusive ex is trying his hardest to get in contact with me and I want no part of it.

I also haven’t been seeing my family enough and feel like an awful daughter/sister.

I also haven’t been eating or sleeping well so my mood, skin, and weight are out of control.

 

All in all I feel like I’m losing what was left of my mind. I am completely out of control and I don’t know what to do. I wish the answer would just fall into my lap but that’s not how life works. So I’m writing, and playing music, and hoping I can muddle through all of this and come out okay.

THIS is how I’ve been single for 3 years.

No one stays for this.

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